Where Am I?
by Kyouki no kitsune
Summary: Basically a slight mocking of all those girl-falls-into-middle earth stories. Characters, genders, ages, where, what, etc. All picked with random generator. (Full list inside) meant to be taken with a bit of humour.
1. Intro & Catagories

Alright, the idea came to me after reading to many girl-falls-into-middle-earth/legomance/self-insert/Mary-sue (take your pick there's tons of them) style stories. Yes, I'm aware there are some very good ones and like gems studding a pile of shit, there are some that even reach epic proportions.

So I took this idea and got evil.

Also, I had writer's block and this is doing a good job at killing it.

What are the chances of a character actually surviving a drop into middle earth? Are they even going to meet friendly people? Supplies or no supplies? Skills that might be actually useful? Dropped in the middle of fuck-all-nowhere? Or accidentally trespassing in someone's domain?

So I set up a bunch of random generators.

Current lists are:

-Single/pair/group

-group size (if applicable)

-age (as young as 10 and as old as 60, rolled for each person in the event of a drop with multiples)

-male/female (also individual, in order of the age that was randomly selected in the case of multiples)

-supplies yes/no (again individual)

-special skills? (Ie. Someone who has skills from a profession (military/guide/cop/etc) or a hobby (horseback riding/hunting/camping/etc

-Where (and I used a ton of places from the general area to specific points. They can and possibly will move from the area given situation and duration)

-time of day (dawn/early morning/morning/mid day/afternoon/evening/dusk/early night/midnight/late night)

-weather

-do they appear with company or are they alone?

-is that company friendly/unfriendly/neutral?

-friendly company list

-unfriendly company list

-neutral list (wildlife/horses/domestic animals(house pets or farm) which will act as selected. Obviously a bear is going to be less pleased with your sudden company then a horse or a cow.

-Live/die/injured (will not be disclosed at the start of each chapter. It is for me to know and you to find out)

-injured serious/non serious (if applicable)

-where injured? (if applicable)

-Duration #1 minutes/hours/days? (Only one will be chosen. This will obviously change the chapter length. Someone plops down for a month is going to have more then someone who's there for a few minutes)

-minutes (if applicable) 1-60

-hours (if applicable) 1-24

-days (if applicable) 1-31

I think I got them all. If someone thinks of something else then leave a comment.

Onward to the first adventure!


	2. Chapter 1

First chapter:

-randomly generated this info-

Pair

15-20 female, skill level basic/none

40-45 male, yes/advanced level

Location: fangorn forest, alone, after midnight

Weather: cloudy, light rain

Duration: 40-45 minutes

-story start-

The older man sighed. He wasn't sure how they had gotten here or where here was. It looked to be some kind of old forest, the trees swaying and groaning as if they could talk. They were tall and the canopy thick. He wasn't certain if it was a light rain or if the canopy was sheltering them from the worst of it. There was a faint breeze that stirred the leaves, raining more water on his head. He knew it was indicative of the possibility that the storm would worsen.

They would need shelter, food and water. Old training and experiences were starting to come to the surface. A simple shelter, something that could be rigged up quite quick would be best.

Alissa stirred, coming awake to the unfamiliar sounds of the forest and the more familiar cursing growls of her sorta uncle. Water dropped on her face and she startled, looking around confused and then fearfully. She was a city girl, what was she doing in the middle of some creepy forest in the middle of the night? She pushed the blanket off of her abruptly, the wool cloth sliding of her bare legs. She was still in the over large shirt she had borrowed to sleep in.

Her first instinct was to run but she remembered vaguely hearing that if you were lost you should stay where you were and call for help if possible. Okay, she thought only slightly panicked. She had her cell in her hand when she had stayed up reading. She must of dropped it when she say up. Feeling around her hand closed on the small electronic device. She didn't check for a signal before dialling 911 as she had been taught. There was nothing and her panic rose as she pressed the red button to end the call.

She huddled with her back against a tree and her knees drawn up to her chest. Her hands flipped to her phone and turned on the flashlight. If she was stuck here she might as well have light.

 _For however long the battery lasted_ , a part of her mind cruelly whispered.

She screamed as a hand descended on her shoulder. Her phone flying away from her fingers as she jumped.

"Shhh," Jason said harshly. "Do you want something to hear us? Assuming there's anything that can. In a healthy forest like this there's got to be at least a few predators."

Alissa quickly shut up, eyes darting nervously around as if something was out there watching.

"I've got the beginnings of a shelter started. Come help." Jason ordered. He normally wouldn't talk to the girl like that, she hadn't been through the shit he and his buddies had, but she needed something to do to keep from freaking out and he needed to be able to keep an eye on her.

Jason led her over to his makeshift shelter. It wasn't very impressive but it should hold up. It was small, barely enough room for them to lay down side by side or sit up. But that should help keep them warmer.

Grabbing a handful of mud he mashed it together with handfuls of grass and moss before jamming it into the crevices of their makeshift shelter. He sent Alissa a pointed look and she grimaced, but she grabbed a handful and mimicked him anyway.

Alissa's glared at her father's old friend, she never understood why they were so close. She couldn't see any similarities herself really and at least her father could hold a job. She resented her father's decision to leave her with him while 'he took care of some stuff,' he had said. She was 15, she didn't need a babysitter anymore and now her expensive new manicure was ruined. It might be stupid to be mad at such a thing when there was the possibility of being eaten and dragged off by some animal but it felt better to be angry and pissed off then terrified. That didn't stop her from jumping at every little noise though. Even as the canopy of leaves lightened with the coming dawn.

"Could we at least start a fire?" The girl asked annoyed.

"Not unless you have some matches or a lighter tucked into that survival suit of yours." The older man grunted.

The girl looked guilty for a second before pulling a pack of half used matches out from between her cell phone and it's casing.

"And what exactly are you doing with a pack of matches?" Jason asked ideas of smoking and other things running through his mind. Hell, he certainly did enough of it himself at one point.

"It's not like that!" She lied. "I just have friends who smoke is all."

"Well then maybe you need new friends then." The old bastard muttered but he accepted the lie, as she knew he would. After all, little Alissa would never do something like that. She was a straight A student.

Jason felt stupid and ashamed he would even think something like that of his old buddy's kid. But he couldn't help it when he remembered all the stupid things he himself had done as a teenager. Sometimes he was amazed he ever made it to adulthood.

He turned around to start digging a fire pit. Clearing debris as he went. He couldn't say he liked forests much but they were a hell of a lot nicer then being stuck in some damn desert. He was too old for this shit now, though only 45 his experiences had worn him down. He had been great once, young and reckless. Now he jumped when a car backfired and couldn't sit in a restaurant without sitting in a corner with his back to the wall. He hadn't felt nearly this old before he signed up for the war on terrorism as it had been called. A little older then most but not old like his parents were.

Now? He couldn't keep a job, his drinking sometimes became a problem and he couldn't quite exorcise the ghosts from his mind. He was bent over, stacking small twigs and old man's beard to build a fire when he heard it. Getting up slowly, grabbing a pair of thick branches as he rose, he pushed the girl behind him.

"If I say run, then run." The old soldier said quietly. "If it's a bear or a cat then don't bother climbing a tree. If it's a wolf then find a tree and climb as if your life depends on it girl, because it will. Here," Jason said, passing back the smaller of the two branches. It would be easier to use for the smaller girl.

"There might still be a chance I can scare it off but just in case..." The old man stated. He could feel the familiar rush of adrenaline, washing out the fears of death and pain until they faded into the background. He never took his eyes off the spot where he heard the sound of something large moving carelessly through the woods.

That's what worried him. Most predators were quiet, up until they ripped you apart. He had only known mankind to make so much noise when hunting. Unless the animal had lost all sense of self preservation it should not be making so much noise. That too presented another problem. If it was mad with disease or starvation it might not care if it got hurt. It could explain the very obvious sounds of snapping twigs and loud growls.

The girl behind him trembled, he knew even though he couldn't see her. "Whatever you do don't run unless I tell you to. When the prey runs the predator gives chase." He said. He knew the words would haunt her if they got out of this alive. But rather her scared then dead.

He had screwed up a lot of things in life, especially when he came back home. But Aaron had still believed in him, had still trusted him with his daughter. It was him who had found that little cabin in the middle of nowhere so he wouldn't have to be surrounded by people all the time. His brother in all but blood had bought it for him, with a grin and telling him he could have it if got help. He even had a potential job lined up if he made it back home.

Things were looking up for the first time in a long time.

And that girl was going to make it out of here one way or another. They hadn't even been here, wherever here was, for an hour. She would make it, because he wouldn't screw this thing up. She was spoiled he knew, but after this she would grow up. At least I she would have the help he hadn't had when she got back home.

The creature stepped out of the undergrowth. The term creature was an apt description, the old soldier had never heard of something like that thing. It looked like a mutant wolf hyena cross. The kind of nightmare that one would expect to have come straight out of a Chernobyl level accident. But the pieces fit together to well, and he knew it was by design and not natural. Though what kind of freak show would breed something like that he didn't want to know.

The creature seemed to grin maliciously although that may have been his own broken mind playing tricks on him. He could tell the creature felt no fear of them, that it thought nothing of his pitiful stick he carried.

The creature lunged, knocking him down and tore at his chest with its claws. He managed to walk it good in the face, turning its head to the side with the force of the blow. The head snapped back around, growling, it took the makeshift club in its jaws and snapped the wood in half. Jason felt the familiar trickle of fear down his spine as the creature opened its jaws to finish it. Cruel eyes stared down at him as his ribs breaking under the weight of the creature. He knew he didn't have long as he stared at his death coming and found it didn't bother him as much as he thought it would.

He had no wife anymore. No children to mourn his loss. The only friend he still kept in touch with was Aaron and he had an entire family to help him get over it. He regretted the child though. The loss of her innocence and the knowledge that she would be forever changed.

With a resounding thump, the creature's head was hit again and again. It left him to die and lunged at the girl who jumped back with a scream. It caught her in the leg, teeth biting into the thigh drawing blood and crushing bone. She screamed again, flailing around with her club in the hopes it would let go.

The old soldier now under the animal's stomach instead of pinned by the front paws? Claws? Whatever they were anyway, used the last of his strength to ram the broken end of the wood into the creature's belly. Aiming for maximum damage.

The creature collapsed on top of him. Moments later he was back in his cabin. The creature gone but the evidence remained. He was still dying and this far out that was a certainty. He struggled to form coherent thoughts. The girl, he could still hear her crying hysterically so she must be alive. Instead of forest floor there was the hardwood underneath him.

As he waited to finish dying he heard a car pull up. The blood had soaked the floor and he wasn't sure whose it was anymore. Or even what is was. It could have just as easily belonged to the creature that was no longer in sight.

Footsteps walked steadily to the door. He could tell when the man outside realized something was wrong because the footsteps became louder and rushed. Jason turned his head to the side, seeing his hand and sleeves stained in blood brought to mind another time he had been covered in blood. He didn't think the medics were coming this time though. And just like last time his dear friend ran up to him. Hands trying to stop the bleeding. Failing that he ran to his daughter, murmuring voices indicated that something was being said and cloth was torn to presumably stem the blood loss.

Aaron's voice was distant as he heard him slip into the old military jargon, calling for a medic on his phone. Some kind of animal attack was right. A hand was on his shoulder, small, it had to be the girl's. She was still crying but he figured she had reached that point of being in so much pain her body stopped really registering how bad it really was.

"Help will be here soon." Aaron said, crouching down beside him. The old man laughed, blood gurgling in his mouth as he drowned in it. Those were the same words as last time too. Only the clothes and the place were different really. He was still torn apart, still scared and waiting for death to come but at least he had kept the girl alive. He had ruined so much, screwed up so bad when he came back. At least this one thing could be done right.

"Not this time." He managed to choke out, his vision getting blurry as he tried to focus on his friend and the girl's face. This was what he had signed up for in the first place. To protect people, not to be a killer. He had just wanted to protect the innocent people. He would rather focus on this scene then his fading memories, most of them bad.

"You're _not_ dying, you don't get to die on me Jay." A slight hysterical note entering his friend's voice.

Jason didn't have much time and talking wasn't exactly an option but he had to do this last thing. He had to make his old friend understand. They knew death, had seen men, some of them friends, die before but Jason knew this time was different.

This was home. He should have been safe here.

He could only think of one thing to convey his thoughts on the matter. And so he said the words that had once meant so damn much, that he had lost faith in once, and now at the end meant everything again.

"Semper Fidelis." He said. He never knew if the message had been understood because he died right after.


End file.
